Recovery From Destruction

i have always been very attached to people when they enter my life i love the people in my life each and ever single way but i have not been the same since about four years ago and i just wanted to give you guys a kind of a baground of what i have been dealing with personally for four years now.

I started high school august of 2006 and met a girl named crystal. Crystal is a girl like no other to me. When We became friends i had no idea on how much of an impact she would have on me. She and i would vent and vent about the problems of our day and about what was bothering us. she would come to my house on her breaks from work and she became one of the best people in my life. she was one of the first people i came out to and she protected me through more than i wanna say on this post. she was no doubt one of my best friends.

Then i came to school one morning and we were waiting for her and she never showed up. she recently found out she was going to have a baby and i thought she was just sick. come to find out this girl that had made such an impact in my life had died in a car wreck. i thought my world was over. just a few days later i began having the episodes where everything seemed to be closing in around me and i began to lose all hope and happiness. i have no been living with anxiety attacks four over four years now and they come in spurts some bad some not so intense but i have learned to deal. i have battled anxiety and have learned that just like life you cannot control the attacks but when they happen you have to know how to handel them so you dont let them get outta hand. i will always miss my friend crystal but i think its time to move on which is why i am blogging this right now. i ahve signed up for therapy august 9th and will begin to take the step in controlling my anxiety and giving my self a better life.  so say a prayer and wish me luck. i love you guys and girls so remember to keep your chin up eyes forward and your heels always planted to the ground :)

Persecuted But Not Abandoned

I wanted a way to express what a few people mean to me but every time I start thinking of a way to tell people I here cheesy piano music and this camera crew pops out and starts filming for lifetime and that gets a bit old after a while so I figured I would side step them and just write to a few people who I want to thank and explain why they are so amazing.



I have never had a true guy best friend growing up in school and that kind of hurts a teenage guy growing up because a teenage guy doesnt typically want to be one of the girls all of the time, but my life completely changed when I got to college. I met a friend in showchoir and we started talking but we never really clicked I guess and then all of a sudden and I wake up and I have the most amazing friend who taught me to love myself for who I am. he taught me that life has unexpected twist and turns but you have to get your ass up and just face it. when ever I am being ridiculous I can alway count on him to tell me. our friendship is based on complete honesty and by complete I mean brutal! its not uncommon for us to make fun of each others unfortunate circumstances but thats how we remain so close. I know that when I wake up each morning I can go to school and have a friend that cares about me and what happens in my life. so here is to you Ryan Pilcher. thank you for being there for me even when I was at my lowest and thank you for being the most trustworthy person ever even when they tried to break our friendship we stayed strong and now I have the best brother in the world and i cant wait to have many more adventures in showchoir this year ( but lets keep the haters out of it lol).



to my mom, you are literally the reason I get out of bed each morning and face each day. you are the reason that I take my dreams and I run with them because you inspire me, you are the colors on my palate and you are brush that the artist of my soul paints with. you mean so much to me and without you I honestly do not have a reason to dream. there have been a lot of things this past year that I deal with by I can promise that no matter who I am I will never forget everything you have taught me because I know who you are and what you stand for and I thank you for trying to be so understanding but mom I need you to love me know matter what because you think you have a clue bu for someone who has never dealt with this before its almost impossible to understand and dont worry ill be fine. but I honestly believe that there is more to me than just what people see and i'm not sorry for trying to love my self for who feel like I am. maybe one day people will stop to think how much words hurt but for now I have got to find my way and I need you to be there every step of the way to tell me you love me.



this last one is a very special one to me because instead of teaching me a lesson in a positive way they have taught me how to love and live by teaching me that loving them is absolutely impossible and that sometimes even parents are not to be loved. dad you have never treated me with the respect I deserve, you turned me into an adult way before my time and I dont hate you for that and because of you my life is amazing because I have learned what people like you act like what you think like and I wa just recently told that you and your mother have called me ungrateful well you just listen up buddy.. I am grateful for everything in my life and I love my life and I am not sorry that I will not come visit you because your are a liar and a cheater! you can't take responsibility for your own actions and even though you have taught me to be an adult by force, you will never be one yourself. I am not sorry that I have disconnected my self from you because where were you all those times I waited for you to come pick me up and you never showed up and I would cry myself to sleep, but I wouldnt feel flattered if I were you because I wasnt crying because I wanted you I was crying because you didnt want me. its time you realize that your a fake. your not a good guy and you think that you have to sleep with every girl you meet because your scared of being alone but then in the end they leave you because they realize just how much trash you really are when they find out you might be cheating on them. so here is to everything I have become because its everything your not!

My Beliefs On Love

I have questioned over and over within my self on what my view on love was and I couldn't understand the mixed emotions in my head well I think I have finally made sense of what I think.


True Love doesn't exist,at least the way we see it in the movies or the books, I don't know how someone came up with that skewered view of love but it has basically ruined my life. I,just like the 7 billion people on this earth, hate when people say they love you and do not mean it, and by doing this it just turns out to be a sticky situation for everyone,so why do it? love to me is pointless when it comes to finding a person to share our life with and my question is WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO SHARE! I really do not understand why we are always in search of finding someone to care for us and even if we do find someone to care for us why do we feel the need to search the world to find someone better. Iguess society has driven us to the point of thinking that in order to be successful we have to have someone and no matter what we say we all want that. I find love pointless and ignorant yet I crave it like it is apart of me like my soul is connected to a river and the river has run dry. I feel like that if you took our addiction to love away we would have no world. The rivers in each of us would dry and we would eventually give up and lose faith,joy,hope,peace,determination and most importantly humanity but with it we hurt,cry,hate,depress and we are okay with this as long as someone will show us that our humanity is worth something for just a couple of months or years. love is poison. it is a deadly poison that we take little by little hoping to either catch a high from it or be immune to it.

love is one of the most confusing topics for me because apparently it has so many rules attached. but yet people say true love is simple that you just know when it happens but if people just knew then why do we have divorce or hate? if we just knew don't you think we would just know not to get married to a cheater wouldnt our love senses pick up on the fact that there is no love inside their heart?

I have no clue what love is or why it is here all I know is that we are addicted to this unknown phenomenon. I cannot even say if this is a TRUE emotion.